she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize