So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
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