seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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