okay pat passed out under dana's car
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
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