The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
