I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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