I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
