I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Found the puke drawer
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize