I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
