I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize