so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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