I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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