I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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