I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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