You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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