So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
