so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
