Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I think I won the penis lottery.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dear god my vagina.
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