There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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