I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Randomize
