Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
