We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
