I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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