He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
