Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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