When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
