I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
