I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
