i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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