Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
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