my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
the condom got lost in my hair
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Randomize
