Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
