I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
50% drunk capacity currently
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
