I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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