4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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