i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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