guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
