There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
