Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Someone came in the potted fern
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
