can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
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