I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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