If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
