You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
