I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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