I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
