I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
