I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Randomize
