Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Randomize