If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
