Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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