i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
