god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
