Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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