The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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