Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
