I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize